Additionally, this cleanse has really been kicking it up a notch in the emotional intensity department. The other cleansers in my group have been experiencing the same thing. We're calling this one "the angry cleanse." For the past two weeks, I have felt as though I have "no time" to do anything that I "really must do." I feel impatient, worried, hounded. And I feel rather trapped by my thinking. I can't seem to get anything done fast enough, which just feeds the fears and frustrations I have about not being good enough. I feel as though I need to sacrifice my yoga practice, visits to the gym, walks in the Arboretum -- all things that would help me feel more grounded and sane -- in order to just chug away at my work. Add to this a cold and a few days of migraines and I am in need of some serious TLC.
One of the things I am just missing like crazy is coffee. Or, no, not the coffee per se, but the experience of coffee. I love to stop at the Starbucks on the way to work. The one in Brookline is a good one. As soon as I open the door, I'm greeted by that warm, pungent and dark smell. Even if I'm not going to eat them, I like to peer at the goodies in the case. I always tell myself, "Someday, I'm going to get the cheese plate." I never do. But, I wait there, somewhat patiently. Can't hurry coffee. When I get it, it's always good, always just what I want. Sipping a hot coffee fills me with richness and pleasure. It's like liquid gold.
I don't give a rat's ass about caffeine. The withdrawal headaches I get when I stop caffeine before doing a cleanse are not really worth it. If I can get a great tasting decaf, I get it. I know, sometimes the decaf is terrible, but I find that at Starbucks, it tastes pretty much the same. I don't drink coffee for the buzz, anyway. Coffee is more personal, less pharmaceutical than that.
(And tea just isn't the same, although Chai comes pretty close to meeting the same emotional needs as coffee. Coffee is not just more substantial in taste; it also seems to penetrate deeper into me. I know that sounds weird.)
I think I miss the comfort and leisure that coffee signifies for me. Even if I'm stopping before work, it's nice to be able to do that, to have the time to stop. I'm also reminded of how I used to haunt the coffee shop in grad school as I worked on my thesis or graded papers for hours on end, sucking down a Caramel Macchiato (when I was feeling indulgent) or an Americano (when I wasn't). That time, that spaciousness -- I miss it.
I'm also noticing that due to the restrictions on the cleanse, I feel a bit isolated for the social experience of food most of the time. Even though I don't usually hang out in groups when I eat and even though the school cafeterias are full of gluttonous sins, I don't really enjoy eating my weird little concoctions in my cube at work. Can it be that I actually miss a cafeteria?
What is wrong with me?!
4 comments:
Patricia,
Since this is the first time I'm reading about your cleanse, I must tell you, I'm concerned about the impact it is having on you and your fellow cleansers. It doesn't sounds like it's bring the best out of you. I'll have to give you serious brownie points for giving up coffee, you're much more motivated than I am! In my view, coffee is the intellectual's libation of choice. It wouldn't surprise me that you miss the deep thinking, reflection, good conversations that happen over coffee.
I'm sure most people reading this will agree that there is nothing wrong with you. The fact that this cleanse is being labeled 'the angry cleanse' implies something wrong with the cleanse. Maybe you're not seeking cafeteria food so much as food better than what you have in front of you.
I hope you feel better soon.
Best,
Christine
First of all, don't be alarmed. We're working with a macrobiotic specialist/herbalist who has been doing cleanses for many years now. She used to work with AIDS patients to help them boost their immunity and stamina with healthy (and tasty) food.
My cleanse group looks at seasonal cleansing as an opportunity to find balance. We look at it as more than just a way to crap away a few pounds (which is, sadly, why most people cleanse/use "cleanse-in-a-box" products), but as a spiritual/psychological process that can go very deep. We do check-ins, meditations, exchange recipes. It's all good, actually. We're all friends, so we feel comfortable sharing our experiences and knowing each other's business. We've all been under pressure lately, some more than others, to keep many balls in the air at once. I think the angry reaction is the mind-body's way of saying, "Hold on a minute!" so that we'll bring attention to the areas of our lives that we are neglecting. My mind has been racing with connections since our last meeting, reflecting on recent observations and stretching back through the events of the past few years. I'm actually starting to really feel a lot better than I did a few days ago. I know that if I was not cleansing, I would not be gathering these insights. Too personal to go into here.
And it's pretty normal to experience crankiness or even to get a cold while cleansing. When you detox your liver and spleen, lots of yuck gets released. I probably need to drink more water.
Oh, and here's a link to my first entry on this cleanse: http://fiddle-heads.blogspot.com/2009/10/some-excuses-soup-and-some-coldflu.html
Patricia,
Thanks for sharing. It seems like this is diet describes the way I eat. I don't consume too much sugar, and eat tons of fruits, veggies and grains. It sounds like a very healthy diet.
Best,
Christine
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