Chaos, Cleansing and Coffee

This semester has been utterly chaotic. What makes it weirder than weird is the fact that I've been hyper-organized. I have all the readings done, the questions developed, the activities mapped out, the rubrics, the websites -- done. But somehow, I find myself redoing it all and often on short notice. Guess I really am a Virgo; organization is my "specialty" and also the bane of my existence.

Additionally, this cleanse has really been kicking it up a notch in the emotional intensity department. The other cleansers in my group have been experiencing the same thing. We're calling this one "the angry cleanse." For the past two weeks, I have felt as though I have "no time" to do anything that I "really must do." I feel impatient, worried, hounded. And I feel rather trapped by my thinking. I can't seem to get anything done fast enough, which just feeds the fears and frustrations I have about not being good enough. I feel as though I need to sacrifice my yoga practice, visits to the gym, walks in the Arboretum -- all things that would help me feel more grounded and sane -- in order to just chug away at my work. Add to this a cold and a few days of migraines and I am in need of some serious TLC.

One of the things I am just missing like crazy is coffee. Or, no, not the coffee per se, but the experience of coffee. I love to stop at the Starbucks on the way to work. The one in Brookline is a good one. As soon as I open the door, I'm greeted by that warm, pungent and dark smell. Even if I'm not going to eat them, I like to peer at the goodies in the case. I always tell myself, "Someday, I'm going to get the cheese plate." I never do. But, I wait there, somewhat patiently. Can't hurry coffee. When I get it, it's always good, always just what I want. Sipping a hot coffee fills me with richness and pleasure. It's like liquid gold.

I don't give a rat's ass about caffeine. The withdrawal headaches I get when I stop caffeine before doing a cleanse are not really worth it. If I can get a great tasting decaf, I get it. I know, sometimes the decaf is terrible, but I find that at Starbucks, it tastes pretty much the same. I don't drink coffee for the buzz, anyway. Coffee is more personal, less pharmaceutical than that.

(And tea just isn't the same, although Chai comes pretty close to meeting the same emotional needs as coffee. Coffee is not just more substantial in taste; it also seems to penetrate deeper into me. I know that sounds weird.)

I think I miss the comfort and leisure that coffee signifies for me. Even if I'm stopping before work, it's nice to be able to do that, to have the time to stop. I'm also reminded of how I used to haunt the coffee shop in grad school as I worked on my thesis or graded papers for hours on end, sucking down a Caramel Macchiato (when I was feeling indulgent) or an Americano (when I wasn't). That time, that spaciousness -- I miss it.

I'm also noticing that due to the restrictions on the cleanse, I feel a bit isolated for the social experience of food most of the time. Even though I don't usually hang out in groups when I eat and even though the school cafeterias are full of gluttonous sins, I don't really enjoy eating my weird little concoctions in my cube at work. Can it be that I actually miss a cafeteria?

What is wrong with me?!

Psychopathic French Man Drinks Coffee

Ah, here we have a film depicting the French love of the bizarre, the violent, and the caffeinated -- c'est magnifique. 

Busy couple of days: random bits, floating, falling on the virtual page . . .

Sorry, no camera today.

Food for Healing, Food for the Heart . . .

Yesterday, I brought my Food of the Wild Soup to my sweetheart to help him get over his nasty illness (we're not saying it was swine flu, but . . . ). He seemed to like it very much and was able to go to work today. Must have been my curative presence. ;)

Indulgences

You know that feeling you get when you've indulged just a little too much ("extreme chocolate" ice cream from JP Licks on Monday night, a chocolate chip whoopie pie yesterday . . . !) and you just want to clean it out and start over? Well, I learned a good trick from an Ayurvedic practitioner a few weeks ago: in the morning after the indulgence, drink 32 oz. of warm water with 1 tsp. of salt in it. Try to chug it. It won't taste good, and I don't reccommend this if you're already feeling nauseous. Basically, the body can't do anything with the salty water except let it go on through, pushing out any yuck you ate. Obviously, this is for OCCASIONAL use (he suggested no more than once a week, but even that seems often to me), and I almost feel as though I shouldn't write about this lest some anorexic or bulimic person out there reads this and thinks, "Great! A new way to punish myself!" Don't punish yourself. Food is good, and you are beautiful.

BUT, cleansing can be a happy experience, too . . . just a word to the wise.

So, today, I figured I needed to start my day with a good breakfast. I really wanted to finish off the buckwheat I made a few days ago, but I was also craving yogurt. I'm the kind of person who feels that cravings -- unless they are for sugar -- are most of the time to be indulged (I exclude sugar because usually it's just a craving that feeds itself, keeping a person locked in a cycle of gluttony and a lack of control and compassion for oneself). So, I had the leftover buckwheat (I'm not a huge fan, but I don't like to waste food) and a small portion of plain, lowfat yogurt with fresh cherries, toasted almond slivers and a quick drizzle of agave. So simple but so good.

Coffee. I love you. I love you not.

So, while I was cleansing back in April/May, I got off the coffee habit with almost no withdrawl symptoms. I went from coffee to black tea to herbal tea and didn't have any migraines (I had some after I had been cleansing for about a week and a half, well after the caffeine should have been gone). After the cleanse, I didn't start drinking coffee right away, but in the last couple of weeks, I've been drinking it just about everyday. When I try to go a day without out, the migraine demon pays a visit, and I'm forced to take drugs, which contain, of course, caffeine. So, while I love the stuff, I have to try to get back into balance with it. I don't think I can allow myself to drink coffee everyday. 

Maybe I can switch to decaf for a while, then switch to tea? I just hate the headaches so much . . . .